Happy new year

Sponsor a mile

Hey all, I have traveled to a different part of our fair state to help out some dogs and mushers.
This is what has been taking me away from the blogsphere. But after I am done I am sure to have some  intriguing stories to tell.
Here is the link to help out with the  race.
Thanks.

http://www.cb300.com/sponsoramile.aspx

Just mad, and I can't sleep

People can be pretty  stupid.  I don't  even know where to  start.
Instead of just asking me to do something an entire  board of directors played nice to  me.
They wouldn't write in the minutes things they voted on if I was part of it. When confronted the secretary when behind my back and asked for my resignation,  stating I was crazy, and stupid.  Uneducated. 
She did mean things to me.
But final  straw for her was my letter to the board regarding  her "friend " who is also on the board.
She was very surprised that he and  a few others did not jump up and follow  her out the door.
She imploded on herself.  I had never been called so many swear  words by a bunch of  Christians.
I always thought it  odd how they  sat so close at meetings.  She and he texting.
He is a southern  Baptist  pastor.
Some  people still  suprise me.

I could smell the sweet sexyness of his skin

I was 3 rooms away, and yet it was like he was right next to me. I walked to the house as he was talking to my husband and delivering the order. They talked about hunting as usual, then the subject of the building of the new cabins came up. As he was unloading the alcohol onto the floor it looked up at my husband and said " I can come out and help you" the look in his eyes with the same look I had seen so many times before. I could spend the night.
Sometimes I think that gender attraction is very blurred.
My husband has been very busy helping one of our neighbors build his house. He seems so gleeful and happy to spend time with another man. Maybe it's something that they all do. But to me it looks like there's something more going on when my husband looks at men.

Well the truck driver was still here my husband walked away into the other room. He looked at me and grab himself and said I want you. He did that several times when my husband wasn't looking. Soon as you left I immediately texted him and said I need you I miss you. He texted back and his simple way, I wanted you. He drove off.

I received a huge apology

It kind of  has my radar  up. I posted something on  facebook,  and apparently  it was far reaching. Regarding a beer thing in the lodge.
I just like this crazy  cool old place, and want it to be different,  cozy and sweet, with good food , and bar.

My concern is that the  apology was in advance.

Guess we will see.

What's wrong with the old way

Remember that show "Cheers" about a sports bar where people  gathered to talk, everyone  knew your name?

Sports bars today  are a reflection of how we have gotten  away from our connection with  others. 

I reject the  Idea of a place, a lodge as just a  place to get drunk,  and stare at your  phone,  or a TV.

Sex has become similar in a way. It lacks the connection,  depth. 

Hate to say it but I am  old.

Happy Sunday. I hope your hair was tousled,.

I miss sex hair, late night, roll into it sex. Morning  sex.

Chat night

https://client00.chat.mibbit.com/?server=irc.synirc.net&channel=%23cake

The truck driver comes tomorrow. We have a delivery.

Wondering what the new year will bring

With war, and terrorism seemingly everywhere what will happen to love,  and lovers?

Chat night

See you there

https://client00.chat.mibbit.com/?server=irc.synirc.net&channel=%23cake

Retreat

But not for me.  A friend of mine stop in to use a room for the night with her lover.
She calls it her "self care" "rejuvenation meet up"
On her facebook  page she posts  lovely  shares from jack and jill, and sacred  intimacy. 

It reminds me that it has been a while since I have been in a sacred place with someone.  I almost have forgotten.

It's chat night, here's the link

https://client00.chat.mibbit.com/?server=irc.synirc.net&channel=%23cake

Beautiful might

The lights were out.  Red, teal, and green. Shooting  stars   From the hot. So calm and queit.  I'm love winter.

An interesting encounter at the feed store

As it approached the counter after my usual  delemma of buying the right cat food. Something she will eat.
I'm looked up to see him stumble  in with his wife in tow.
The moment  he saw me he paused. With an utter  look of desperation and panic he pulled his wife down an ale on the far side of the store. He then took her to the popcorn  machine. 
They were dressed hysterical as it would suspect,  impeccable,  affluent.  She was perfect  in every way.  He matched her.

It was ovious he didn't want an encounter,  painfully   so.

Being a very skilled actress,  it made like he was invisible.  Even after the clerk  called to assist  him and he wondered  to the counter  3 feet from me.
After checking out o left calmly . As it started me car she came , he followed.  He saw me and slinked back in waiting for my car to leave.

I'm am not sure what the big deal was.  We hadn't seen  each other in over 2 years. We never had  am affair.  I'm never contacted  him.
Very odd.

Morning text

"I would love to make love to you again "  nice words to hear when you have a cold and feel yucky.
He invited me over for a glass of wine on Friday night. Which usually ends up with us in bed and being very intimate and talking us in the bath tub cuddling watching TV having a snack. I miss him. Maybe not the crazy. I miss him.

The opera is going great

Moving into the hotel was probably the best thing that I've done so far on this trip. I hang hang out in the bar and talk to the residents here and the other guests. It has a jacuzzi tub. Two people can easily fit into it. If I didn't have this cold would be a revolving door around here. My friend that threw me out well she didn't exactly throw me out she's just a bitch to me just really mean. She's in the same office as me and she acts like nothing ever happened and we're best friends cunt. She looks over my shoulder and check my text. It just so happens that two of my lovers think I look so pretty in my costume. Her big thing now is to act like she's afraid of heights and ask people to help her up the stairs. I on the other hand have legitimate vertigo and over the years I found ways to manage it I run up the stairs which are quite high probably about 20 feet and come down the money other side and sing "LA fume'. She has to be on a pity party with their lip on their shoulders hunched. My feeling as if you can't climb the stairs if you can't get down on the floor and huddle your bundle of contraband maybe you shouldn't be in opera anymore.

Jazz and Mexican chocolate cake

Checked into a hotel

Listening to music  in the hotel  bar.  Alone.  Liking it.  A friend from the  opera is singing jazz .

Feeling better

My cold has gotten much better. My outlook on my sex life is not. My one lover is meeting up with other people that are swingers and he wants me to join them I explained this is a totally different dynamic been polyamory or cheating. I don't feel comfortable with that. Then the person who wants to get back together it's just into sharing me with others and enjoying watching others fuck me. I'm not so into that either. I love kinky sex I just don't like being involved with people that I don't know that somebody else met on Craigslist and doesn't know from Adam. It's a big ugly world out there. In Alaska is very small so it's a very small big ugly world and I just don't really want to be involved in.

I hate it here, I want to go home.

The person that I'm staying with while I'm working on the Opera is picking on me and making me miserable and I hate it here. Other people have invited me to stay with them but had heard that I was staying with her because she told everybody of a stay with her before I had a chance to say all of them staying here they are and so I come back out of that the only reason that she wants me to stay with her is I'm a status symbol for her just like I know so and so and she's staying at my house and it just pisses me off and I'm getting tired of it. Then she's like really kills me and picks on me and tells me that I can't sing and you know and I'm horrible person because I have pure bred dogs and cats even though I've explained to her many many times that I donate to rescue I donate to help and the establishment of good health for dogs she knows that I have a 7 page contract for all of my dogs that are placed in people's homes. I have a lot of running sentences. But I'm just venting. Unlimits like watching the debate uh oh do you feel that black lives matter? No I feel all lives matter police officers the people that these idiots are shooting and take it on matter she is she just has no concept of what it takes to go into being a police officer. She gets a letter like little rant about you should have had a rescue dog and all these dogs are dying because you have a purebred dog just like I have a purebred dog because I know the dog breeder took care enough to breed it and put it place in a home where it wasn't going to end up and shelter. Also sterile into this you know the military that the military that you know and I don't say shit to anybody but I donate to wounded warriors Healing Waters fly fishing project I donated $4,000 in service dog to people coming back with PTSD I have donated meals I've donated money to rescue to the tune of thousands of dollars a year and she's sitting here on her High democratic fucking high horse telling me that I'm a bad fucking person. End of rant

Carmen brought a head cold up with her

Now the whole cast is dropping like flies. And I am one of them. Went by the drug store and got some sudafed.
I hope I can disguise my reindeer nose. And get some air in so I can sing out from notes. In other news my long lost lover that has been texting me sexy notes blah blah blah and I can't respond because my schedule is so full and I have a sinus infection. But prior to getting a sinus infection my sweet sweet lover came by and they had a little rough on my friends so far away she was at work. I was very bold he started talking about resend the same shit like this and I said you know I'm just not really into that. The funny thing is I'm friends with his lover on Facebook and she was sharing a recipe with his wife very interesting it's kind of a sweet little Polly thing I'm just at the end of the list.

In other news

It looks like I might be going out to lunch with that former lover I was talking about. It would be nice if we could be friends. But it's obvious that he has ulterior motives. I just don't want to go out to lunch with them and then have them say something mean to me. I might change my mind before the end of the week. I have plenty of excuses the opera that I'm working on is pretty intense.

Feeling better

Its funny how having a friend be upset because there's chaos in her marriage and well a break up a horrible breakup you make me just feel so miserable and hurt for her. She's doing much better now she feels better she's sleeping at night I think she's going to be ok. She's a strong educated women. This might be the best thing that's ever happened to her.

Also....

It's not something that I can tell my friend that her husband living now wifey girlfriend, is fucking my delivery guy because he loves big tits. Also the guy who sells me my alcohol is friends with all of them and just thinks its peachy keen. I think what bothered me most was that there's two sides to every story he said but the deal is that most men stories is that the wife is the horrible person and my wife is the reason I fuck around and everybody believes them. When my friend isn't somebody that you should be fucking around on she's a good loyal person. She also volunteered to sell her farm and everything she has so that her kids could continue to have a dad and they could live in a semi polyamorous relationship.
But when she found out the woman had many lovers this isn't just like lovers in a good way this is like I'm a slut but not an ethical one and she has a rap sheet of felonies in Alaska and a rap sheet of felonies in the place where she came from.
It's not like her husband came to her and said I have love for you and I have love for somebody else and let's be one family and let's move to Cordova and this will be just more people to love and it'll be fantastic. Basically he just fucked her fucked her over and plans to fuck her in court and take her kids and its just like fucked up and it just makes me so mad.
Not like you can talk to anybody about that shit because I have my secrets but the thing is is I water my own garden and I take care of my family I keep things discreet and ethical I'm not stealing somebody's husband does that make it ok what I do I'm not really sure. On the other hand my husband and I have an open relationship he fucks me once I fuck what I want what I want and we don't talk about it and we keep our business okay if things are better not that I trust him very much but things are better. Thanks for listening I appreciate all of you. I just don't want to see my friend go through this much pain it just seems so ridiculous and silly when people could just be a little more open and honest

Something is really bothering me

I have a friend whose husband is a bush pilot and he left her for a woman another woman have two small children and he just appeared in a text I'm with somebody else goodbye.
Maybe it's because I've been left before for other women with small children at home. But who does that who just works out on their family and just leave them for big titted waitress in Valdez Alaska.
My friends husband must be an idiot. Because the big titted waitress at the totem bar in Valdez is fucking a lot of different people at the same time. It's okay to be a slut its over okay to fuck but when you fuck somebody over like this it's not ethical it's not pretty and I just wish karma on both of them. Just really hurt and mad right now for my friend.

In the tub

Sitting in rehearsal the wonderful can your voice vibrated across the back of my neck. It was like an awakening. I could feel my body getting warmer he was like my brain was melting and warm.

The universe must of shifted sending  a flow of energy  my way.
I received a text from a number that was not familiar to me. " do you remember a tall red headed man from your past?"
Of course  I did. He was my Get under to get over. A wonderful  fuck, kink, bondage, hours of fun.
But why was he writing me now after  4 years?
He missed me, I understood  him.
Really? I think I just tolerated  him.
"Would I like to get back together?"
Hmmm, I might have to think on it.

Had a great session. ..

With my acupuncturist,  hee hee.  So I am open and ready for for newness in life. And lord knows I need newness.
But we also talked about being in a new mind. Being loved for who you are, and loving yourself.
Funny how that is what the truck driver and I had. Nothing planned  or contrived,  it just was.

This is my photo.

And so it begins.  The long winter. Like the summer I have no idea what it will be like. The summer was surprisingly excellent. 
Wishing for peace, love, and lots of sex.

Not my photo, but boy is it pretty here

I love it here. There is so much beauty. 

That feeling when you know it's over

It's been a very busy summer with work not much play. And now it's fall so many projects that need to be done this year I'm starting work on Carmen in with the Anchorage opera. I'm just coming to that realization and that horrible feeling it just kind of jolts through your body like you've been electrocuted that even though No it's just fuck on the highway, tell myself this and yet feels a relationship wait it's not a relationship just a fuck on the highway. He has so many others. He thinks he's such a game player that he has a game whatever that is. My relationships have always been deeper broader, more mutual something that has  dimension. Respect. Nothing here just let it go

The summer is done

This flower must come inside.  We had a killing  frost. 

Hey there

Hey, I message back.
Call me

Hello, he sounds so far away.
"Hello , I miss you" I say.
He is already  back in town, out at his friends house. Going hunting in the morning.
He passed early  today but didn't  stop because  I appeared  to be  busy.

I reminded him  that the green house has sun flowers, tall ones that I plant  just for him. I can suck, and please him, then he can fuck me from behind. 
I hear him sigh. "You plant them for me. For us?"

Yes, as I look around my house today I see all things I do because of him.

We plan our next time together.  As we always do, but heaven  knows if it will work out.

Snowing

It's  very cold and windy.  We lost the power. But luckily  I have the fireplace.

The husband is getting laid off

In October  tge husband  will.be laid off from  work.  Dropping  oil prices.
This is going to really  suck.

My food delivery guy. ...

At first  glance  he was just a delivery  guy.
But those  shorts. His sweet smile .
Yum.
He forms sentences. Yes, this one talks. Makes sense. He is smart.
it has been too long , the promises  unfulfilled by the other delivery  guy are taking their  toll.

Also I am tired, lonely,  and just  need a break. 

He is passing tomorrow. I will try not to  think of him.

I grew this

No one to share with.

Reality TV

I just got another call from National  Geographic.  They are sending out a producer who is looking for a particular  individual for next season.  I don't  really fit that bill, but am a great location for the search.  I gave some suggestions,  like have an interview with  our editor  from the local  paper,  put a add on the radio, and contact  community  leaders. That should give them a  good start. 
Doing a show here from my place would cut down on my already  slim to none sex life.

If I wasn't exhausted

I would be in the hot tub with my lover's  girl friend's  husband.

I got a call that he was coming our to see  the  place. His wife is in love with it and wants him to but for her.

Every room is booked, and people  that we know are staying. The risk of tainting my somewhat  charming. Faithful  reputation  was to high.

God but I want to go out there and suduce  him. What fun it would be to report back every detail.

Waiting

He said he would be late,  but I knew  he would try but the odds of him spending the night were slim.
So I am waiting in the hot tub.

Not much is happening in  my life right now. Very busy with work. Also have to go over the libretti for carman. 
Two weeks a play mate of mine stopped by  with a friend of  his. Later he said he felt nervous to be in the same room with my husband.  I guess I am  used to that because of the  truck driver.

Earlier this  summer he stopped by,  it was so clear he just wanted something  quick and to be on his way.
I would have none of that. I teased him with my tongue,  and sucked him in the kitchen,  then told him to go fishing and  come back later for dinner.
When he returned I had a nice meal prepared,  wine, and later  on  the hot tub.
We had an amazing  fuck in front of the fireplace.
Then off to bed.
It was just as I planed it.
The next morning,  he hung out with other guests,  inviting  then for a boat ride.
I have a funny knack  for helping people  connect and feel at home here. Hoping he finds his way back and we spent more time together.
Still waiting.....

My beautiful flowers and my cat

This has to be kismit

My friend just sent me a sound cloud of a song by the band named after me....... Carry Your Load

About a truck driver.

Very weird.

Nasturtium Fireweed jelly

Another girls weekend. 

It didn't look promising

He pulled in this morning,  rushing to his duties  as I egerly  meet him  with the key.
"Staying out if trouble?".

Yes I said, sadly.  You?
"Too busy for for trouble ".

He went on to say his truck broke  down Wednesday,  and he had a headache,  maybe a cold was coming on.
We chatted slightly as I filled out tge check and finished  paperwork. He said he was into tge last lodge at 8pm, was hungry,  so stayed.
I said I could hardly  sleep last night at all for wanting him, the anticipation, my longing for him unbearable.
He flushed, "my dick is getting hard".
He pulled it out. I dropped to my knees and took him in my mouth.
Right there in the dining room with both doors open, and guests still in their cabins.
I took him to the sitting room,  and sucked him more.
I pointed to the  new couch "it has never been fucked on, it needs it".

"I have to be in you.....
We went to the kitchen where he fucked me from behind.  Being shorter it was not quite the best way.
So I took him to the back, locked the door, pulled down my pants on got on my bed so he could enter me from behind.
I was so dripping  wet he slide in my tight pussy and pounding hard,  he whispered  "oh god I want you every night,  I want to lick your ass and cum in you....."
I could feel him swell as he came hard and deep in me.

Not everyone  gets to do this.....

Life is interesting

At the fish wheel with some divas.  Gossip by the camp fire.... but mostly excentric. Behavior.
One of the divas  through  her back out during  qui gong. But it was groovy to practice by the river.

The high light of yesterday  before  coming here was a delivery.  His face lights up like the sun when he sees me. We chat briefly. .."next week?... I don't know what  it us about you.... we fit." He says. It is like we touch but without  even being close. 

Things at the fish wheel where surprising smooth. The husband  was very helpful, got along well with my friends before going home to man the lodge while we get to sit here by the fire and enjoy the rising moon.

Then to top that off I forgot to  plug the camper in after starting the generator.  Duh.

Maybe it's. Time to set a date and time for the chat room

Most evenings  are good for me. I can pop in at night to see if anyone is  in. But it would be better to.have a set time and day.

I know now when your birthday is

Because I  saw a post on Facebook.  We have been fucking each other for 5 years. How weird to feel so close to someone,  and not know anything about  them.

No wonder I feel so unreal, empty.  My relationships are hollow and meaningless.

So many people  love me, but my supposed intimate relationships are without meaning, depth.

I miss being loved.

The old place.

Nothing much  has changed.
It's  been busy so I haven't been able to  write.

New chat site

http://widget.mibbit.com/?settings=f7dd98b1e2dec681ceb7e7ec35c7bbb0&server=irc.ca.us.mibbit.net%3A%2B6697&channel=%23caketoo_test

Awww the husband is gone

The house is almost back to normal.  The hot tub is clear and ready for the truck driver....if he can stay this week. 

"Your hair is getting long" he said.

Someone  asked for me not to cut it, I said.

I saw his smile,  and blush as he whispered "who could that have been".
As I signed the check and waited for him to place the kegs....

Long for you to tug, and hold on to when I taste you, when you fuck me from behind.
I love that blush on his face, as i see him tremmer, he goes weak, and stabilizes  himself on the bar.
He didn't have  long,  but kissed me deep. He sighed "you feel like home, as he drew me nearer.
"Like Martha Stewart  home?" I asked.
No he said, like wet slippery,  deep, home. I love being  in you.
A guest appeared from the door. We pulled away, I greeted her with a good morning. When she was gone, he asked about next week, spending the night, and being close all night.

I said yes.....

Something cool to drink

I decided  it is too dam hot!  With all the people who come in to use the bathroom because the State is having  budget  issues  and closed all the roadside  rest areas, as well as the detour because of the  fire. I wanted to just do something nice.

So, free fresh made lemon  aid, ice tea, and lemon  zest sugar cookies.

It really surprised people,  and made them feel special. 

That's  what I love about Alaska, people  give a fuck.

His soft, slow voice whispered. ...

"Thank you"  in a delicious french  accent.

As I poured his coffee. 

But it was sooo sexy.  it reminded of the end of good fucks I have had in the way to distance  past.

"Can I come in the rear door? "

Why yes please do....

Flirty guests are the great. Especially  with sweet Virginia  accents.  It does my libido good to feel a man's  eyes on ass.

Feeling better  takes more than green shakes and long walks.

I hate staff...

Why does a basically  homeless couple  with a child who applied to  work here have to make extremely  rude comments about everything from my knitting projects,  to my painting, to anything I do.

The woman had a two year year old. Almost three, she had to have the husband make all her meals, change baby's  diapers,  and do her work for her.

She whined and refused to answer  people because  she felt it was beneath  her, because she had a master's degree. We're  talking simple shit here, like tell us about alaska. Being she lived in nome I would think this would be easy.

She was so Deming to me on a daily basis.

She was  breastfeeding and had both tits out as she was still nursing  her un vaccinated  baby like her was a newborn, all the time! He screamed and cried in a pitch so high it sounded like a dolphin. Running  and riding his bike in the restaurant.
She left him fall off chairs, and be outside in a parking lot with fast moving vehicles not to mention running  water.

Him. Well he was a complete  jerk.

Thanks I needed to  vent.

It is not like I was mean to them, I paid a more than fair wage, and offered  a house with all utilities  paid. Plus food.

What the fuck!!!

Life is crazy...

A fellow  political blogger and Facebook  friends posts had me a bit confused.

"Recovery  lunch"
"redemption  salad"
"freedom salad "

All with detailed descriptions.

I thought mabe he had been in an accident,  or had surgery.  Then the lengthy  post ,

She said she had never felt such closeness,  intimacy. ...
4o years of marriage,  2 children, I saw his posts of their trips, parties.
I had attended  a few.
"He was my best friend..... I will take my things as he has moved into our home.
This will be the last time I touch the soil in this garden....."

Very unexpected.

I guess you never know really.

The truck driver posted today that he was happy, and more in love with his wife of 25 years....their Anniversary.

I am happy for him. But for her just some sorrow.

Feeling much better

It came to me in the garden....

He bought me dresses and a hat, he sat in the swing, a look of sheer content on his face as I worked blissfully  in the garden.

A co worker used to buy me flowers.

One day he said "there is nothing more beautiful  to watch than a woman  arranging  flowers."

I miss the subtleties of romance that come from deep within.

And to feel them, the suspence, quiet  drama.

Trying to only work 5 hours a day.

Practicing not working .....but did interject..." the last fucking thing you need to be doing when we have 2 tables of guests waiting to be served  is dicking around at the sink". 

Guess I better review  the "Tao of leadership".

As you may know, I have decided to not work 16 hour days this summer.  Staff can be trying but I have hopes that a good rest will get my mojo back.

I could feel the earth as a part  of me this morning as walked out to the weather station. It felt entwined in my being. As if I were rooted here.

When I first came here it was all an entity apart from me, fighting me and distant.

Looking back at the lodge from the weather station, my handy work, my being present, focused, letting my effort and dreams take shape here laid out before me.  It was very hard work, fighting everyone who wanted to create who they thought was me, or who they wanted as a lodge owner, someone they could bully and torment. make fun of. I feel sorry for them in a way, they missed out in knowing a good kind, creative person. Just yesterday my staff said that people say the meanest things about me. but he added that they don't even know, have never met me in fact, and that it was so wrong to propagate lies about me. I said I knew about that stuff, and that as long as those people left me alone, didn't come in here like before I could live my life with the people who know me and love me.

I have been somewhat of an outcast here. Unlike the other lodge owners I an not bigger that life a personified version of what it means to be a wealthy Alaskan. I am in fact quite humble.

Some people came by to look at the place, potential buyers. She acted like it was a franchise, some sort of McDonalds's, It looks so Alaskan, you have created something unique, all the other places are  cute, and predictable. But this is real Alaskan.

That's because we live here, this is our home, and we are sharing it with the world.  

Made it through another one

The festival  was great, and interesting. 
Someone who wanted an affair with  me last year came up with  6 other friends. He had a new lady with him.
Apparently  he is getting a divorce and couldn't be happier.

We had a chance to  talk and agree that both our situations are empty and devoid  of love and passion.  Having insane  partners wares  you down a bit.
But for this peticular person, I couldn't  be that fix, bandage.
I like and respect him.
His new lady is very nice and perfect for him.
I couldn't  believe that I already know  her through business associates.

My head hurts

I hired some  people  to work for the summer. 

I have been cleaning,  and cleaning up  after them since they got here.

So I get the news yesterday  that neither  one of them can cook.....

They were hired to cook.

Apparently  cleaning  is out too.

Fuck me!!!!!

Big weekend

The music  festival  is this weekend. It's a  lot of work but so worth it for the happiness it brings to people.
This year I had some shirts embroidered for the main staff.

Life is getting  back to normal and I even felt frisky  today.

I have staff this year so I may need to get pretty  creative if I ever want to get laid.

The delivery guy  comes tomorrow,  but we will have staff, friends, and the husband.

It's  been so long. I miss him.

Feeling much better

Just getting  used to side effects of  blood  pressure  meds. Feeling  much love and support  from bloggers and friends here online. 
Was thinking  my life was pretty much  over.

Some people are  coming to look at the place , I think they will buy it.
It leaves me remembering the the secret  good times I have made here for myself.  Deviating from all I knew of myself  prior to  moving to the heart of darkness.

It is like a  part of me that lived with a vengeance  to be good turned in  on it's  self for survival of my soul.

How do I reconcile that?

The painting, the window, just to make it real in some sense.

Waiting for it all to be exposed.

What is real?

I took a run down historical lodge, known for crime, prostitution,  murder,  fighting all odds, and made it something good.

I found out  that our first governor's brother run prostitutes through here. So much history  and intriguing information  buried here.

My little story of love, betrayals, and survival is a drop in the  bucket.

Having some health issues

High blood pressure  sent me to the emergency room  last week. I am fine , but still trying to get  it under control.

The worst of it was tge panic attacks.  I am not afraid of  anything so it took me by surprise.  Pretty  frightening too.

Not feeling well would explain a lot of things. Like not writing  more,  not fucking near enough,  and just plain not enjoying  life.

I like hearing from you all and reading other blogs.

For now, I just want to get better.

Miss you all.

Just another day in hell

It leaves tomorrow .
Last night he said I souls find a place and move out......um I own this place. Wth. Can he be thwt stupid? 

I have been turning things around a bit. Like at dinner when in front of guests he stated there was nothing  on his plate  that tasted good.

I simply  replied mine was pretty good, so sorry yours sucks

Ever feel just empty

I sometimes  get a glimpse of who I am. So busy doing so much. I loose me.
I just want to be accepted,  loved, just having a hard time.  The place might sale and I will leave what ever this place was to me behind. 

I will leave him. The one who just drives by. Occasionally  stops for a five minute  fuck and I don't  see him for months.

All the things I made happen  here despite the  sadness.

Hon I washed the sheets :-)

And , where are your essential oils. I will put some ylang-ylang on them.
Let's fuck when you get home.

Well after singing the beethoven 9th,  then packing,  then shopping,  driving 5 hours, and unloading the car.

Probably not.

But first let's explore the fact that said husband has never washed the sheets nor made the bed in 15 years of marriage.

So what was said husband up to when I was gone?

Who knows,  who gives a fuck.

It was great

I love that feeling when the energy from the audience flows up to the stage and almost knocks you over.

I thought I would have time to post...

Singing this evening and tomorrow.  So have been busy.

Cabin fever

Yes, it is a real thing. When I come to town I am reminded of how being alone affects me.

Thinking

Of freedom, not the horror of the process.

Just visualizing a house, freedom,  alone to create a life without being owned.

Has anyone done this?

Glistening cum stain on my couch

My secret. ....and yours

Is this a sex toy?

Supported by Wasilla residents,  this candidate is conservative,  very right wing.

But this add is a bit confusing for me.

Stain on the couch

Him inside me. How can such a simple act be so powerful in making a woman feel so confident,  secure in who she is as a person,  a being.

Thank you....

Kiss me.....please

I popped into chat, thank goodness Sassy was there.
I could chit-chat while I waited for him to pass.

It was always a long day till I could see his truck go by. Not knowing ....knowing he would pass without a word.

I sat in the chair I had loved him in, then I heard something.
I looked out to see his truck in the driveway.

"SD is here brb" I typed quickly.

I rushes to the door.  He was not expecting me to open it.

"May I use your bathroom?  I only stopped for that"

It seemed odd as there were so many places to do that , pull outs.

I said yes.

I went back to the sitting room. When he came out he asked about my posts on facebook,  and what was happening.
He had meant to ask his boss but it slipped his mind.

I said a couple were interested in the lodge and would see it for a walk through.

He seemed taken a back that someone new would be here. But ok as well. Where is your other half? He said.
At work.

He said his wife was moving out,  to the lower 48.
Some other details of their split.
I said I understood, and that it was painful to divorce. 

I was not looking forward to it myself.
I was standing by the new couch.  He walked behind me. And pulled me close.

He said he hadn't come here for this. I could feel him getting hard as reached around and undid my pants.

He undid his pants as I sunk down in front of him taking him in my mouth.

He took off his coat he was layered for the cold.

We stretched out on the couch he came on top of me. It didn't last long, but was so good to hold and touch him.

"Thank you" I said to him, thank you thank you. ....

We talked intimately,  he then rose to go.
We kissed. Kissed again.

"When can I see you again? " he said.  we calculated the days. "I hope I don't forget"

Please don't I said.

He walked to the middle of the house and looked around, then up. It wasn't until latter I knew he was looking at the window.  I had them made with in mind. Forgot me nots.
He remembered.

When you can't say I love you,  when there are no anniversary,  no songs, nothing,  here there is a window.  That will always be.

I walked him to the door. He said next time he will stay the night, fuck me all night, be in the hot tub with me....I said yes.....as I always do. Knowing his words are only a hope...a dream.
We had never spent the night.

" kiss me again. ....please.

Then he was gone.

So many good times here

Doing inventory

Fireplace room

Wood saddle leather chairs 1940's
New couch
Rug
Coffee table 1940's.
Fireplace

This is the original room, the historic beginning.

What a privilege to have owned it

I would so do this...

Not ignoring you

My back hurts, and it is spring break.  We have snow, the only place close to snow anyway. So lots of skiers.
Some winter hunters.
I feel like crap.
The truck driver passed...but I haven't seen him naked in seven months.
He messaged me a few days ago.

"Wish I were in your bed"

It's been a dark cold winter.
Empty

For sassy

Dinner tonight

Eggplant,  basil, tomato,  garlic,  cheeses. On a bed of rice noodles.  Salad.

Food and cooking are so much better with the husband gone. No critical remarks. Food flung in the trash.

Spring cleaning

It usually takes about a month.  I am up to the kitchen,  so another few weeks to go. The hardest part is get the husband to pull the grease thing above the grill.

Got a private message from the truck driver..... I remember that bed, wish I were in it right now.....

Me too.

At least he is still interested. 

It's safe to write again

Like being caught. .. I guess.

Last week I met up with a long time  hmmm friend I will call him that. We are bonded by similar interests.

Although we have had random sex twice in our two years together.
He mostly likes to talk and touch himself.  Whether in person or over the phone.

This time we met in a parking lot by the inlet.

I have a feeling he does this often.

Watching the ice flos pass we touched eacher.

No place to meet up is a problem.

Although I have the keys to friends apartments it creeps me out that they could come home on their lunch hour. ..or their child could.

Getting caught is not something I like.

Not after the phone company lady came in on what was an amazing birthday with the truck driver.

There's been a break through

A fellow blogger posted some information regarding the non closure of sites like this.

So I may start rambling in your ear again.

Wish I had some sexy stuff but it has been pretty dry.

I feel lonely

It's a good thing .....at least I feel something. 

And I miss me. Who ever I was .... I long time ago.

I loved music. ...deep and dark. With coffee ...in the morning,  and late at night. In the dark of winter.

I miss me.

If you would like to continue see and reading my blog please let me know I will add you to my contact list. Also after changes take affect you can invite friends.

The new policy will go into effect on the 23rd of March 2015. After this policy goes into effect, Google will restrict access to any blog identified as being in violation of our revised policy. No content will be deleted, but only blog authors and those with whom they have expressly shared the blog will be able to see the content we've made private.

My blog is being deleted

Oh no what to do????

The diet

The husband is on a diet. ...which means I am too.
It's not so bad I need to loose 20 lbs.
This diet is easy, I loose weight even if I cheat.

Best part. .Husband is sober.
It's not great, but a huge improvement.

At the very bottom of the list

At the top, the wife the kids,
The family, friends,
The coworkers, 
Poly higher ups,
It might come latter on if at all,

For the truck driver never.

I am less than a dirty secret.

Our love glances escape even the finely tuned ears and eyes that know, and have experience.

If it were young, free, it would be felt by all who know and sighed with,
Winked at, acknowledged.

It sits in the corner like a forgotten photograph, a scrap of paper not yet tossed aside.

And waits......

I have slathered my Facebook page

With love quotes,  sonnets,  and poems I have written.

In hopes he will notice,  or perhaps just to exhaust my soul that can not rest, and crys out desperate for him to hear it.

It goes unnoticed,  except for  friends who like them, or comments saying "my favorite" even a share or two.

Have wonderful day, hope you all happy valentines day

No truck driver

Trying to get over how nonessential I am.

So I texted poly friend, just a simple "hey".

The phone rang in an instant.  "Hello" he said in his I am such a sexy stud man voice.... :-p

Where are you. ...

Not in town four hours away.

We talked about the delivery guy, the no show, not reliable,  how I can't figure out feeling this way for him.

That it has been over seven months since I had sex.

He said it was that Ling for him too. At least the real kind of sex. No just a hook up, release and go.

I joked that if I lived closer we could have a normal fucking affair like everyone else.

He said yes, because you are my friend having an affair with you would special.

It comforted me slightly.

I am in chat

Not as fun, but if your bored such as I am come in. Maybe we can warm up this winter day.

The delivery guy passes but with any luck he will stop.

We are in chat....

Come join us

http://client00.chat.mibbit.com/?server=irc.synirc.net&channel=%23cake

Trying a new cheating site

It is new in town...the US.... and is much simpler than Ashley.

It's ...Gleenen. maybe I will see some of you there ;-)

Just feeling blah

I just don't know what is up with me. Going to get some acupuncture next week. That should help.

The truck driver passed this morning.  Don't know if he will stop tomorrow.  It's snowing, it Valentines day this weekend so he may have to get home to wife and getto. Carrs. Girl.

Feeling sorry for myself. .....yes.

Parts of my life are so good, fantastic in fact. The shity parts are really shity.
Can't get out of my funk. It sucks.

I need regular arms rapped around me. 

Just curious

Who reads me? Why? And where from?

Moving from friendship and phone sex..

To what?
As we text back and forth this morning is more than clean clear he is not my ultimate goal.

Waking up slowly in bed.....

Yes.....

As if time stands still..

I think we need a few hours in a hotel. ..

I love the darkness and the quiet. ...

To hear everything,  nuances..

Then I plunge deep into you the ultimate connection

Nope... not really.  That is not exactly tantric. But I will let it go.
Can this one even be taught?

Mid winter blues

I just don't seem to be enthusiastic about anything. I have work that needs to be done for an upcoming show, I get to do an opera event that will just be awesome,  I have SD ....maybe...stopping in this week, and an intriguing new guy.

WTH?

I think it is the mental abuse from the husband in part.  It's overwhelming.  The reason I seek out side my marriage relationships.  I am not denying I am non monogamous,  but to just have someone take an interest in me and not have it all be some kind of mind game I need to figure out so I don't get verbal attacks.
I just am in a needy mood.
I need held all night long.
Someone to have breakfast with no strings attached.
Sit by the fire with coffee.
Read the paper.
Boeing stuff.

Apparently I am a sapiosexual.

I was diagnosed by the woman giving me my facial peel today.
Well she is not just just any woman.  She does my make up when I sing in opera.
So nice when you meet like minded people.  it frustrates me when so many people want to be called pollyamorous. And they are not open. I see the poly community as one is integrity.
Just as I see non monogamy as a State of being.
It is a shame we can't be open. But things are changing .....for the better.

Well I am ready...

Ready for something new, someone real, deeper.
It just seems that there is so much holding back and not enough letting go.

It was a long two weeks.  Husband seemed to break everything he touched.  The house was filthy. 

It just is time.

:-(

Seahawks lost.

In two weeks. .

He dragged his fingers across the back of the couch....see ya in two weeks. Or four, or whenever.

I remembered later that he remarked in a text if  we could break in the new couch......I replied most definitely,  in text.
As I sat with my husband at dinner.

He had seen pictures on Facebook.

After he left I texted .....in two weeks?

He texted back.....

In two weeks.

:-)

I held back my reply. ....

My heart is now happy....in can paint again.

To avoid being silly.

He's here

I am hiding like a little girl.  I can't bare to hear his voice.

How silly.....

I want him so.

The husband can take care of the order.  Fortunately he is doing just that. It wouldn't take long.
I can hear him taking the empty keg.
Please leave, leave quickly.

I feel so old and ugly today.

I hear his voice. He is taking the delivery to the back. God.....so close.

They are out of plump jack I hear him say. I only order it because it smells and tastes like him.

Speak louder......

He enjoys talking to the husband. Maybe he enjoys knowing he fuck his wife.

It can't be long now. Just go.

I love his rough voice.

"Honey can you come out here?"

Shit....

It was about the bill and some kegs I had ordered.

It was so good to see him.

We chatted about the new cat, laughed.  It was great.

Sigh.

Another cold day

-31°

The truck driver will be by today with a delivery,  but husband. Is home.
There will be flirting ....
I think. Unless he has lost interest in me. He has others.
The only thing I hate about a guy having other women is if they find out about me. It's scary to think of what a sex crazed woman can do or say if she thinks she loves a guy.

I on the other hand I can be very discrete.

Husband is drunk off his ass,

Just trying to make it through the night without reacting.
Ugh.

I just got home from a great board meeting.  I accomplished my goals and did an amazing job. 

Wish I had a sober coherent partner that appreciated my efforts.

I will just share with you all. It was great. I opened the place as a check point for  a dog race. Not just any, a qualifier for the Iditarod.

What a major hoot. Howling dogs, and famous mushers.
I baked lots foe cookies, cakes. And breakfast rools. The coffee was hot and free.
Simple pure home made food.
A warm fire, lots of room to crash.

It was an Alaskan event, done to perfection.

There, that was what kept me away from you all.

Thanks for letting me share.  ♡

He posted something sweet

On my Facebook page. .....

I love how my body, my skin reached out to be touched by him, all on its own.

His slow and deep response

How magical.

I sooo miss that.

In the real world I want to own him?

I am somehow grateful for the pure, essence of what it is, sacred.

Unfiltered by anything the world would do to it.

It just is.

Minus 31°

That's. Cold, or maybe I am just getting old.
I don't force myself to ski in it anymore.

Lost a little more weight.  But haven't broke my the mark I wanted to.

I just am truly enjoying being boring right now.

It is January after all.

Trees and shrubs rest.....

Beautiful sunrise

The mountain is out after snow and clouds. Time to sit in front of the easel.

Hey who wants to join me....

And a bunch of other cheaters in chat?
The rules are be respectful,  share, what's said in chat stays in chat, and flirt.
Bring ideas that will make chat fun and exciting.

Are you in?

http://client00.chat.mibbit.com/?server=irc.synirc.net&channel=%23cake

I had the best wet dream last night

I awoke feeling hot and dripping wet,
I can remember every detail. .....
I met him at the door wearing nothing but the boned corset I had ordered just for him for England.

He took in a deep breath as stepped in.  A flush of red streaked his cheeks. Fingers dainty, exploring the silk.
Sliding across your hip, my ass, to the front, he kisses me deploy as early feels my wetness.

We tumble to the couch, breathlessly, fuck. Not even removing his clothing.
Wanting, lusting, needing it so much.

I awoke looking for him, quivering,  breathing deeply. I stifled as to not awake or alert my husband.

Cleaned the house.....

Ordered new bedding,  rearranged the furniture.

Continuing to loose weight. 

I have sat in the shelf much too long.

I think, possibly I am wrong,  but along with cockling. A man's wife in his bed it is sexy to have it clean and nicely decorated.

Along with not getting anal. and blow jobs, it's nice to have a good meal, a warm fire, and a good fucking.

I have to remember that I was just busy.  And the stress from the marriage can be overwhelming.  Does anyone else think they are married to a mental case?

Well I can hope sex is in my future. 

Miss you all

Chat was empty last night. I don't always comment but it is to be with like minded people,  new ideas,  and veiws.

It gets my juices flowing. ...so to speak.  Life has been busy with work and other projects,  but no, sex life.

You tend to forget there is more.

I have gone on a diet of sorts. Not eating shut that's not good for me in the first place. I have lost 10 lbs.  It feels great. My weight is so tired to my self image as a sexual being. And the being agile enough to move around. I love to play.

The husband us home. It's like living with a four year old. No conversation , no sex, ugh.

On the bright side,  I am not sharing the details of life with him.

Sorry for not writing

It has been hectic.  With dog races, family, and painting.
Nothing else. 
I should be back on track by the 14th.
Not that I am not enjoying life. Just doing a lot of putting myself out there to try new things.