I lost my home in a tragic fire that took everything.
My pets. My paintings, studio...
And mostly. My Thursday's with the truck driver.
I write here on these pages as you are the only ones who know of his existence. We were so very secret.
Living only in moments.
Tonight I can not sleep. Missing him, missing all of what we were....
If nothing at all.
I tried to make him permanent. In paintings, stained glass. That he would last forever there in this building we shared.
It is all gone.
The only place where I can say what I truly feel. It comes home today.
Just for a few days then it leaves to go play golf and then it gets to go to work again.
My summer is just about over working everyday for 16 hours. I barely leave the house.
But as long as he can stay working and I have a two-week vacation from him life is so much better. It's like he has absolutely no idea how to treat another human being.
I'm not going to sit and argue with him.
I did not have a garden today because he thought that his idea about having a garden was just everything so the garden died there's nothing in the garden I did not serve any vegetables from the garden this summer because he killed it he killed the garden.
I think it's going to be a great winter I'm going to spend more time doing things that I like.
Last year I basically worked all winter just like I do in the summer.
But this is what owning your own business is like. There's no downtime.
The new hot tub arise on Friday that should be wonderful.
So it goes down to the hot tub store and says she can have whatever she wants.
So I get a call from my friend at the hot stuff store and she's like your husband is so wonderful he's going to let you have whatever you want aren't you a spoiled person.
No I'm not a spoiled person he just wants me to pay for it that's why I can have whatever I want.
I just responded with I'm just so lucky .
And he comes home he's like well how you going to pay for it and I said I guess you're going to take a loan or maybe you could use some of the money that you have hidden in other accounts aren't you.
He took a loan. I bought the last three hot tubs. It's his turned put some money back into this place.
Well enough venting.
It comes home today
And everything seems right with the world.
The husband is back at work and it's so nice just to get things done around the house without somebody underfoot micromanaging me.
And the delivery guy is back in town.
He is back on his route.
We have been together in the in the greenhouse. Making him grow there.
Dropping to my knees in the warm rich soil, looking up into his icy blue eyes. As he reaches for his belt buckle and stops, you know what to do he says.
I unbuckled his belt and slide him into my mouth until he can take it no longer he turns me around and leans me up against the raised bed post and f**** me from behind.
Yes all is right with the world.
As our short Alaskan Summer comes to an end I will enjoy every moment that I get to be in his company.
He came back. It will be s trail separation. Or something like that. She will stay in the lower 48, he here. Resuming his same route.
I did miss him. As much as I denied it.
It felt like tangled thread, broken glass.
I couldn't think my way through it, make it not real.
There is something,
When or if I figure it out I will let you know.
It was back to crazy. Everyday holding my breath, and not reacting to his behavior.
It was good and bad. It shuts him down when there us no response, but I live on egg shells, trying to not engage. But it takes less time to recover once he is out of the house.
He is back to work for a short time.
The house stays clean, and less Kaos.
Watched another family, friend leave the state this week. It's heart breaking to see them go. The job loss here is unbelievable, creating a mass migration south.
" hun if you could just lose about 30 pounds I'd be so proud of you, you're out there and Anchorage representing me on the lodge and I can think, there you are my hot wife "
But here I am being loved admired licked and kissed by men who like me just the way I am.
But in the hot tub be asked me if I still wanted that Mercedes-Benz period I'd really rather have a Lexus. If I have to live this doll and boring slave kind of existence Alexis would help a lot.
So many women want a sugar daddy I just want to be lick and kissed and cuddled.
A cell phone.
A Facebook.
A chat room.
A blog.
There was you.
In the darkest,
Coldness,
Wilderness,
There was you.
This light,
A breath,
Happyness.
Spontaneously ignited. From somewhere beyond us both.
It was,
It is,
Maybe before time.
It feels like broken glass and tangled twine.
How can one man going away be so sad?
He was my light on darkest days. Something to look forward to just knowing he would pass the house.
He walked through dreams, when he thought of me, it cloaked me with comfort.
♡
From far away the truck driver still watches over me.
An occasional like to a post on facebook.
I miss his presence in my world.
Imagine a world where your things disappear because it's his house he owns it, and you never see them again. All without your permission, or knowledge it was moved until you are looking for it.
Imagine being interrupted while fixing a sandwich, or any other tasks, bombarded by by questions on why, and how you are doing something. Every move Mico managed. If you comment it becomes an argument. So you stuff all feelings, and words. Nod, and move in.
Fix it when he leaves. The list is long.
It leaves in 2 days. I can breath again then.
(By the way, i own the house and have put at least 1/2 million of my own cash in it. My name is on the deed.)
I am siting in this place called humpies. A cute young night life place.
It's across from the PAC
Proforming arts center.
I truly needed a break from lodge life. So invited a few friends, well iam despite.
Not too many people enjoy opera.
So this person is a first timer.
Not only that....
She among other things us an Elvis Presley impersonator.
An eighties rocker by trade. She is in town training to be a bud tender.
Yes, it is now legal here.
My search started on facebook. No takers.
I have been going through this weird life change. Turning into an old person.
My Accuputure person, and qigong massage people have frightening words of wisdom.
My life will come out in the open. What was unseen will be seen.
If I had a life. But just my old ways open ....
Dear lord.
I'm so bored I have not had sex probably in since the week before Christmas.
The most excitement that I have gotten recently was talking to an old church friend in front of my fireplace and she asked me if I had a picture of my husband. I said I might have something on my phone fortunately before she saw any of my Tumblr pictures or any my p*** pictures I said oops no I don't have anything no pictures of the husband here.
It's quite amazing that I had this life prior to moving to the Heart of Darkness where is an upstanding citizen somebody you went to church every Sunday and was on committees and did things and now I just have a secret life period or I wish I had more of the secret life that I had a year ago. I might have to start putting forth some effort
The husband is going back to work. This is wonderful news back to a 2 and 2 schedule. I have gotten the dishes caught up in the house clean it will stay nice and tidy for at least two weeks. It's overwhelming to have somebody around who is constantly disruptive. Another good thing is that he bought and not a new truck a $40,000 truck. You will be working for quite some time
I was expecting sadness. But the utter release of tension from not sneaking around was a huge weight.
I certainly don't want a scandal of the magnitude something like that would cause. And then there is potentially injury or death.
Plus my life is not so bad. I have the freedom of doing most anything I like. I have created a life from something that was dark, and negative.
A new lover would be nice. Will see what the future holds.
It was a great party. I couldn't have wanted anything more.
My cards were signed by some of the top mushers, and Iditarod royalty.
Not many get that.
Also the race was a success. For me.
People loved the food food and hospitality.
The news reached far and wide. Best ever checkpoint.
So now I am coming down from tgat high, into a low. Always happens. A let down after the build up, process, and done.
Our sales guy came by. It was hard to sit and pretend I didn't know anything about the truck driver moving, not coming back.
About the ups and downs of his relationship. He must want it to work. To leave all you live and know. Your job. Friends.
Keeping him in my thoughts so all goes well.
Spent the eving un front of the fire place with groupies.
Not your normal kind of groupies. Dog mushing groupies. It took a while to get that these people whete just gaga over mushing and the mushers.
Tales, of flurting, and intrigue in None, and all places that mushing happens. Behind the scenes stories of the politics, and reputation of legends, it is our culture.
I hope you tell stories as they unfold.
And as I was pulling down my shirt I caught a glimpse of my gray and lovely pussy. I had not thought of her in the light of joyous wonderful sexual expression and so long.
I've been feeling so down and fat and unattractive lately.
It is probably the darkness and the cold of winter.
I'm starting to get excited about the race and preparing for all mushers and handlers and celebrities that come through during this huge event.
Also I got something special in the mail. It's kind of silly but it just makes me happy .
Happy fruit is not here but the other food is here and I'm so excited to put it on the wall. it was so match the vintage vintage green and for my walls
He stood just here 3 weeks ago, to smell the tree, to later say good bye.
It was sad to see it go. The chair he often looked longingly at, as he passed it. I would suck him there.
It is a huge relief. The passion I felt for him so intense. The heat, the knowing he was near. Feeling pass.
It is a huge relief. My mind can be clear, he will not enter my thoughts. The sun can shine in, like now with all the decorations down and put away.
The minutes of daylight returning.
A new beginning. ....
