The fire grows dim. Needs another log.from outside.
Pulling the log from the wood pile it catches my eye.
So long ago.
And here we are.
Stealing these moments that possibly save our souls.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
The truck driver's foot prints
The truck driver stopped.....briefly
Having confidence issues
Maybe it's another birthday. But my libido which is highly related to my confidence is at an all time low.
I could blame it on many things from overwork , being overwhelmed by the stress of a failing marriage , or just plain winter blues.
In stead of running away from it I think I will delve into clearing my mental palet with a meditation class.
I run so often in too many directions. I am going to focus on letting go letting life take care of itself.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Good night
♡♡♡ for some of you it will be the new year. I wish this one farewell . I hope the best for you all. Those who are feeling sorrow. Peace.
happy new year ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
Sexting.
I'm gonna put u on ur hands and knees and I'm gonna eat ur pussy and ur ass, just before u climax I'm gonna stick my cock in ur pussy and a dildo in ur ass and send u to a bone shattering climax
Wow I hate to say this but I am stunned. Anyone want to help me b plan the sexyest. Overnight ever. I need to know what really turns a man on.
Saw you pass...I was up early
The truck driver texted " can I stop by tomorrow? "
yes please do . I answer.
" I can't stay long "
no problem will just be nice to see you. You never do. But best to get back , it is new years eve.
"Some night I will spend the night cause I like sex in the morning"
Me to
Not very intellectual. Not my type. Not anything you would guess from me. But there it is. The love of my life.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Dark , as it is cloudy. But warmer
I love alaska winters , they empathize with me that I am lonely, loveless. I find comfort here in the darkness.
At least it is truth.
Stuck
Have been on facebook, chatting and doing projects. It is like my brain can't think. So hard to write anything worth reading.
the spainard
He was sexy, even in a cast that extended from his hip to his foot. We exchanged tatoo photos on our cell phones at the bar, and chatted by thefire. it was dangerous as his wife was always nearby. They came up with club the only ones not on bikes.
He chased me around the kitchen. He texted, and called asking me to meet for yoga and a massage.
Today I met him for lunch. It was so different, out of context. We chatted about his family the holidays, life. interspersed with lets go now to a room, and you would really like this.
I soon realized he was not what i wanted. besides the risk of his biker wife kicking my ass he just wasn't turning me on. The final blow came, "you would be the only one" Really, I was stunned. Who says that, and believes it.
When I was done eating, I reached for the bill, he paid it. I think we both knew at the end it was nice to just be friends.
It was interesting to be on the other side of not being turned on, or having chemistry for someone. I was the one to make the decision to go forward. But having respect and consideration for his feelings.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Nothing was under the tree
There wasn't a tree in fact. It was easy putting the place back to pre Christmas. The house is still and quiet.
In fact it is a good thing to let myself rest and recuperate from the opera and other obligations before winter warms up.
Just reading books and hanging out with the dogs.
They always say to exercise more when you injury yourself. But it feels like I needed to just take it easy.
It's the winter rejuvenation in Chinese medicine my acupuncturists talks about.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Joe is wearing an old sweater
I seem to be knitting lots of things to take the edge off wanting to care for someone. Why is it that women do this? An inward need to love.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
I want to send this to the husband
He would be so of mad . It is not want you think. I would love a husband I did not have to cheat on.
I bought toys, books gave him permission to fuck whom ever he wanted.
Our sex life was toucher. He would kiss me tease me then push me violently aside and masterbate.
He would threaten and tell me who he was fucking.
I remember sighing in my lovers arms after he said I would fuck you everyday he is so lucky. I said he doesn't touch me. His surprised look ....I said it doesn't hurt me any more.
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Getting ready to go to town
I will be singing with a chorus for midnight mass. It will take some of the loneliness away. And I get to be with friends too.
It is so beautiful here. But the panic attacks are keeping me up at night.
If I had my house I would move out. I dream about my sweet little garden and how safe it was there.
I never knew I would live with someone functioning with a violent mental illness.
All my friends know and we have all agreed it is time.
Please send thoughts for this place to sell. Then I can start over.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Stolen, and thanks Advisertoall.blogspot.com
Truth
“It’s a strange thing, how you can love somebody, how you can be all eaten up inside with needing them – and they simply don’t need you. That’s all there is to it, and neither of you can do anything about it. And they’ll be the same way with someone else, and someone else will be the same way about you and it goes on and on – this desperate need – and only once in a rare million do the same two people need each other.”
— Madeline L’Engle (via
Feeling lonely and out of sorts
I know it is not the holidays. I don't practice. But it is dark, lonely and everyone of my lovers is caught up in busy. Just a short text, a nod my way, would make my day.
I need more.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Monday, December 16, 2013
All I want for Christmas....
Your shirt, after you have worn it. I want to unwrap you......you are my present, you are my Christmas. This is what I would say, if it were more. If it were real between the truck driver and I.
It is dark and cold. Cabin fever has settled in. Fortunately there is no drone of carols, no cards no gifts. After the drama of last year the husband is at work.
He gave me a card before he left, nothing personal, just a signature, as though signing a document.
No worries, I am long past loving him.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Sunday, December 8, 2013
At a play...
I missed out on singing at the museum, or with chorus doing the messiah. Boo hoo. So here I am watching my friends play. Cute small theatre. I have never been here.
Why here? Escaping the crazy at home. Boy did I need a break. He bought a house, didn't heat it, pipes are broken, water everywhere. Can't rent it.....and the clincher, can't pay any bills because he spent all the savings buying it. So fucked. All behind my back.
Happy Sunday
Life is good husband leaves this week, and I get to sing with friends..... oh and sex is in my future.
Friday, November 29, 2013
It's cold...
Yeah baby, you put me on hold and I'm out in the wind
And it's getting mighty cold
It's colder than a gut-shot bitch wolf dog with nine sucking pups
pulling a number-four trap up a hill in the dead of winter
In the middle of a snowstorm with a mouth full of porcupine quills
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Liberally wined up
Now I have to fuck the husband. Gag.
Not just once, twice mind you. We ate out so as not to hear the insulting remarks he makes about my cooking. It was a great meal , and wine pairing.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
My knees had the tell tale sign....
And so doses the floor. I had planned to paint hearts in that spot. The spirits of this house had other plans.
As I put the $200.00 jeans in the closet .....paint! Red paint. How could that be. Then I ran to the room. Sure as shit....my knee print on the floor where I dropped, sucked him.
Better than hearts , it makes it, him real. A secret manifested. Just for me.
It just accrued to me
He sunk his face into my pussy like he were at a pie eating contest. With such vigor, delight, and robustness. As he caresses my breasts, a sigh, " I missed my girls".
I relished in the thought......I was his, in this moment..... nothing more is needed.
The husband comes home this week
I have made reservations for thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant. To avoid any conflicts. I have not cooked for him in a few months. It has been agreed that the rude comments, loud pig like squills are hurtful. But mostly the random throwing dinner in the trash and screaming. I scares me. So much so I cry, and huddled in a corner of my studio .....sucking my thumb.
My fantasy this morning
He brings me coffee , puts my feet in his lap as he reads the paper. Telling tid bits, opinions, and banter.
This of course after a night of just plain love making.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
It's the not knowing
Till it happens. Then the kiss . And feeling him melt in my arms. I walk him to the kitchen, to show him the new paint and our room. I painted the floor. He unbuttoned his shirt, I undo his paints. Drop to my knees, take him in my mouth. Kissing his balls, stroking him. We go to my bedroom. For tge first time we are fully naked , our skin can touch. He eats me, amazing, I shook, he took me with such confidence. I could feel him ....really feel we were connected.
He said I could do this every night. He mentioned spending a weekend. Or maybe a night....in two weeks.
The weather will be very bad tonight. Snow rain. He will have to travel quickly to get home.
As always, I thanked him. He chuckled, and breathlessly said, thank you.
It's the wait...
That stresses me. This time I simply messaged him. "Hi" he responded. That was Monday. If I had not I would have no idea if he was coming or not . In a way it is . Sexy, fun, a zipless fuck. After all it is so quick. Spontaneous. It meams nothing and is everything to me. It remains the same, but because of it I have grown in leaps and bounds. I owe him everything.
Monday, November 18, 2013
-25°
It's fucking cold. I felt so lonely today. After our sales man left and said the driver would not be SD, I was crushed. Had he disappeared forever? I told myself lies and mostly truths. It is just nuts to care for someone who treats me this way. So I texted skier. He listens to everthing and is not judgemental. It is nice to know and have a friend like this.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
You are as tight as a virgin......
He looked at me so seriously. What was I to say? It is not like I work at it. I didn't have sex all summer I said lamely. It was a fact , I am very tight.there. everyone comments on it.
When I had my second child the doctor while sewing me up said " your husband will thank me for this, It will be better than new".
And so has been.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
FFF ....this time let's do it,
Friday, November 15, 2013
Flowers planted on your path
Just to see you smile. The sun shimmering in your hair. That's what summer is. Stripped to its bare bones, raw love, passon. No texting, no cards no letters. Just letting be. So as winter falls fast, I paint the floor where you so often walk, in the room we first fucked.....a deep barn red, and garnish it with a heart.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
It's one of those days
When all I want to do is walk through your footsteps. Hold the memory of you close.....my love. And not flirt and fuck strangers to forget you. How much I love you so.
Have to paint the kitchen
An almost two week job......but a lover would like to help.....hmmmm
But he has to help groom trails.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
It is all so overwhelming
I had to clean the house after driving 5 hours in a white out, on icy roads. Bow to fix all the husband"s fuck ups in our finances, then to wah walls, and paint the storage room. Then to figure out what to do about plowing the drive way. We just got a foot or more if snow. I have a plow truck, but needs some minor work he promised to get done this summer,,,,,, for three years. Venting.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Husband just left for work.....
For two weeks, yes! Time to just relax and get the stench of him out of the house. Try to fix all his fuck ups.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
I was hoping
One of my lovers would have texted me..."I am in the audience, tuto brava diva....
The curtain closes on my front row seat for Lucia di lammermore.
Good night <3
What an awesome night.
I love singing ooera. I love the people, friendship, so amazing. High energy, creativity, we work so hard to get the right sound.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
A small man, with a little stick....
I said"ooooo the conductor is quite handsome" my fellow chorus member replied he was short, seemed snooty. I meant he was eye candy, not for personal use.
As time went on he proved to be just that. He made rude comments that shook the chorus conference. " you are nothing but community theater,...don't you all even know how to dress for a sitsprobe!?....watch my stick, aways watch, even if I don't cue you. "
His tempo changed more than we all changed our costumes.
He made remarks about our chorus mistress, and her assistant. "He seems to have some intelligence" WTF, really?
He directed the bel canto music to sound like a locomotive....not emotionally deep.
Thank goodness the review this morning noted "perfunctory" in his style. Yet the orchestra was strong, solid.
He deserves much worse.
Friday, November 8, 2013
As I sat down at the boardroom table this morning
Certainly not what I was expecting. The representative of the company I told could go fuck themselves was our newly elected member.
It was fine, it sure beats the year I told his boss he and his horse..... and then we both ended up speaking on the same panel.
I woke up warm and wet...
Dreaming, only, just wanting that pernsin I could make a scarf for, but wear it first so he has my scent.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Friday, November 1, 2013
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Practice, practice, practice....
I have been goofing off a little too much, and am very far behind considering that this is Tec week. Spending the next few days cramming to memorize Italian.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Assumptions.......
My Facebook page post was "where to eat in this town?" His response" I will buy you dinner come by the pub were I will be playing, or better yet call me in the morning, I will message my phone number, lets do breakfast" wow.....really ....a man I had had crush on for almost----.years.
He is handsome, well educated, and very wealthy. I was so nervous, but messaged back a thank you, and I will call in the morning.
We met the next day at a sweet little place. I knew full well it was a kindness to a friend from out of town. I was a few minutes early not used to the traffic I over compensated.
He greeted me "I am a little late, but who gives a fuck really!
we both laughed.I hate it when people assume that I am just one person , one-dimensional, I laughed, but really he only knew one part of me.
we were seated at a lovely table by the window.
our conversation started by his telling me his trip to a friend's daughters farm. He asked about the my place and what it was like this time of year.
I said this is the dust season, all of summer's activity must be cleaned away for winter. That the place has an identity of it's own. I just live there.
He asked what I do with my time.
I told him I sing, paint and write. And that I was in town for opera.
It turned out we knew people in common.
Also that we shared a common bond. That of enjoying the process of creating. Not the product. It is ever changing, alive, a mystery. "It comes from deep within the soul" he said and then with almost a tear in his eye.."I have never said that to anyone"
It was a great time. He shared how people often see him as one thing and rarely explore him. He laughed "and to to think the first time I saw you in that apron, I thought, she must sing opera!"
Assumptions.....I love going deeper, it is almost better than sex.
Let's hope I can share this, after all what good is a giant dick picture if you can't share....
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Friday, October 25, 2013
i need to finish my FFF latter
FFF I aaaaaaammmmmm Baaaaaaccccck!
FFF Oct 25 - Halloween Haunts
Halloween Theme - Be careful what you wish forRequired Words - "Invitation" AND "nightfall"Word Limit - 2 stories of 333 words eachForbidden words - Vampire, SuccubusBonus Points - Put something real about yourself in the story, but you don't have to tell us what it is.Extra Words - Share your story with 2 friends who don't know you write like this. You get 100 extra words for this one.
So the call came one afternoon "honey what you think of us buying this lodge" Well I could have said a lot of things but thinking it would never happen and not wanting to be a bitch I said yes. After all what harm could it do.
About a week latter we were signing papers for this "beautiful historic treasure". Not long after we we were cleaning, fixing, and basically getting stenchys smell out of it.
"I think I fucked your husband ....but I can't remember" she said as she sipped her drink. It was our grand opening. The whole community in Rual Alaska was invited. A why to get to know our neighbors.
"We welcome you, but, will never come here, this place is evil." They were from the church.
The food was great. I spared no expense. We hired a Celtic band who local.
"Do you smell that " she said " it is mother dugan's pipe. He still haunts this place, as dose Bonnie." "Bonnie?" I said. I had no belief in ghosts or other such foolishness. She walked away rolling her eyes.
We had our regular guests. We were the watering hole for some, for other just the coffee clatch before work.
He came in every week day. We talked about his family, his new car, his last hunting trip. Are the fish biting in the river yet, it all added up. We never really touched, but the comfort of his presents gave me strength for my long days.
It was a cold icy nightfall. I keep a room at the ready for people that might need it. His car pulled in. The drop in temperature to -46 is hard on vehicles. I invited him to warm by the fire. We both decided on a warmed brandy. It was dark and cozy
In the weeks to come the house grew dark, a feeling i could not shake with sage, lavender, salt. The phone rang the voice on the other side was soft and shaky. " He died, the last person he was attempting to call was you
for more FFF fun follow this link
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Have you ever really loved someone....
Just asked the husband. After all I was used to take care of his kid. Then to run his business while he drinks. Just feeling used and pissed off today.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Home again home again jiggiddy jog...
The liquor guy smiled sweetly when I told him that I would start to be home now. I so know he knows about the truck driver and I. And...somehow approves.
"Was that you going into the....
Why yes it was ....what were you doing there, I answer the text from skier. "Oh just dropping off some gals that are here to work at my office ".
Me ...visiting some friends. I was at the penthouse with owl.
It is so uncanny how he knows I am in town.
"So where are you now?"
Husband is at the hospital, I am sitting here hoping he develops a blood clot since he made it through the surgery.
"Wow! Remind me never to get you angry, can we meet for coffee while you are in town?"
Yes I say, but our schedules end up not meshing.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Friday, October 18, 2013
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Rat in a maze....
That is what it is like talking to husband. But the maze changes with every turn. It makes my chest tight and is so stressful I can't breathe. The story changes so many times you have to restate his or your point to stay on track. He will not answer his phone and say I never call. The list of his crazy is so Long. My friends make sure he is not here before they visit.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Spent the day restraining my colorfull charter
But all very controlled.
It made me think of the owl and his sparse pent house apartment. The conversations we had of "serving" dinner parties with the family, the wife. How one must be. Explaining his and others like him their escape to women like me who fuck them senseless, in a dirty sort of way. Where we talk from our hearts, and even if it maybe temporary, it is real.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Ahhh the mo jo is back
Portfolio of gifted wine
I chickened out
I am always up for such things, but today I was feeling old and achy. So I had a message.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Everything is ok
The person I was worried about ....all is fine. Had to ask one of his coworkers. So life will be back to normal in three to four weeks. Yea!!!!
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
FFF early again because of time constraints
good morning
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Fly fishing.....
He had been coming to the lodge for over 7 years now. I would get an email from him asking for the reservation. He and a friend stayed in the back in tents , I never really saw them. They would fly fish, eat crazy man food, smoke cigars , and drink crown. A guy kind of thing.
Till that one summer, five years ago. It was late August, warm sunny. His friends decided to come in for some drinks. They were so fun, like boys. Bantering, joking, reminding me of how long they had been friends.
Some people you just enjoy being around.
Year after year he came, I would get a very nice hug. A gift and a card from his wife. Who wrote of how much he loved it here. And thanking me.
It was always a magical place when they were here. Other friends of mine would show up, and we ended up knowing so many folks in common.
They talked about their families. How much they loved their wives. He mostly talked if God. His faith.
He would write to say happy holidays. A few emails, hows the family.
He was the reson I fly fish. I loved the way he describe it. I had a need to know it better, I felt closer to him in some way.
This year I had not been fishing yet due to an injury.
He decided to take me back to his camp site.
I suited up. He made sure I had a net to keep the bugs off me. I liked the way he was so attentive.
He took my hand as we crossed the river, making sure I was ok. Perched me in a great spot. On my second cast I pulled in a nice one.
When he saw I was getting tired he came took my hand and crossed.
As we walked back he asked me questions, "would you keep cigars here for me.?", of course I said
Latter I fixed dinner for us. He said" come sit by the fire with us. You need to do this more"
The fire was by the creek. The conversation as as always, family. He said something about her, I said for some reason, maybe the wine, family first, or she is first .
He stood up, reached for my hand.
I looked up, have you grown weary of my company, he shook his head. As we walked to the lodge we held hands, talked about things I will never remember. It just felt good.
As we entered my home he took my hands, brought them together in front of me, pulling me into him. He kissed me, biting my lip, so soft. I kissed back.
He guided me to a chair, as I straddled him I said breathlessly " I have waited so long..........for you. He was un doing my buttons on my pants.....he sigh deeply, trembled and tossed me to the floor, as i fell I felt a gush. Our clothing came off so easily, from there it was like a lovely dance. We kissed each part as if we had known each other forever. Such sweet release. We paused sitting lotus in front of each other staring in his eyes I felt how strongly he had wanted me. He whispered ......I love you. We embraced.
It was one of those experiences where time cannot be measured. It was more than 6 hours.
He took my hand and gently led me to bed . We fell softly to sleep. The next morning we made coffee, said our good byes , and he was gone.
Rainy , windy day
Stuck inside. So busy, too busy for diversions, hee hee. I need to write about the summer and campfires, midnight sun love making.