It's hard to grieve a secret

A Something That Never Was. It only existed in moments an extended periods of time.

8 years existed, had my heart,  and so much more. He was my muse imagination and my very breath.

It seemed like 2 weeks I couldn't do yoga in the large dining room. It just felt closed in as though I couldn't breathe. My soul felt like it was dying. I kept telling myself I was okay and everything was fine.
Still kind of hard to believe I keep running it through my mind. When was he going to tell me? Was he going to tell me? He could have left without a word and I wouldn't have known until it happened in 2 months.

Were you waiting for me he asked. No of course I wasn't waiting for him I didn't know he was coming. But yes I always wait to see if they'll come and drop in although many times he doesn't.

It's hard to explain. When you just know something or you don't know something.

But there he stood I just stopped by to say...

In my mind I thought it was happy holidays. Merry Christmas see you next year.
He stood there as though he couldn't speak. And I said Merry Christmas thank you so much for stopping.
He said nothing more. Just me we made love. And as he was about to leave he said he was no longer working for the trucking company anymore.
I stood there dumbfounded it and not knowing what to say.
What does that mean? He said that he had quit he told me before that his wife wanted to retire and move back to be with her family. But that he needed to work in Alaska because he had seniority with the union he would make more money and then in four years he could retire. They have sold their house. He sold his truck. Everything is packed. And they had down to the lower 48 in January.
How do you grieve a secret. How do you grieve Something That Never Was. It was everything