Trying to only work 5 hours a day.

Practicing not working .....but did interject..." the last fucking thing you need to be doing when we have 2 tables of guests waiting to be served  is dicking around at the sink". 

Guess I better review  the "Tao of leadership".

As you may know, I have decided to not work 16 hour days this summer.  Staff can be trying but I have hopes that a good rest will get my mojo back.

I could feel the earth as a part  of me this morning as walked out to the weather station. It felt entwined in my being. As if I were rooted here.

When I first came here it was all an entity apart from me, fighting me and distant.

Looking back at the lodge from the weather station, my handy work, my being present, focused, letting my effort and dreams take shape here laid out before me.  It was very hard work, fighting everyone who wanted to create who they thought was me, or who they wanted as a lodge owner, someone they could bully and torment. make fun of. I feel sorry for them in a way, they missed out in knowing a good kind, creative person. Just yesterday my staff said that people say the meanest things about me. but he added that they don't even know, have never met me in fact, and that it was so wrong to propagate lies about me. I said I knew about that stuff, and that as long as those people left me alone, didn't come in here like before I could live my life with the people who know me and love me.

I have been somewhat of an outcast here. Unlike the other lodge owners I an not bigger that life a personified version of what it means to be a wealthy Alaskan. I am in fact quite humble.

Some people came by to look at the place, potential buyers. She acted like it was a franchise, some sort of McDonalds's, It looks so Alaskan, you have created something unique, all the other places are  cute, and predictable. But this is real Alaskan.

That's because we live here, this is our home, and we are sharing it with the world.  

Made it through another one

The festival  was great, and interesting. 
Someone who wanted an affair with  me last year came up with  6 other friends. He had a new lady with him.
Apparently  he is getting a divorce and couldn't be happier.

We had a chance to  talk and agree that both our situations are empty and devoid  of love and passion.  Having insane  partners wares  you down a bit.
But for this peticular person, I couldn't  be that fix, bandage.
I like and respect him.
His new lady is very nice and perfect for him.
I couldn't  believe that I already know  her through business associates.

My head hurts

I hired some  people  to work for the summer. 

I have been cleaning,  and cleaning up  after them since they got here.

So I get the news yesterday  that neither  one of them can cook.....

They were hired to cook.

Apparently  cleaning  is out too.

Fuck me!!!!!

Big weekend

The music  festival  is this weekend. It's a  lot of work but so worth it for the happiness it brings to people.
This year I had some shirts embroidered for the main staff.

Life is getting  back to normal and I even felt frisky  today.

I have staff this year so I may need to get pretty  creative if I ever want to get laid.

The delivery guy  comes tomorrow,  but we will have staff, friends, and the husband.

It's  been so long. I miss him.

Feeling much better

Just getting  used to side effects of  blood  pressure  meds. Feeling  much love and support  from bloggers and friends here online. 
Was thinking  my life was pretty much  over.

Some people are  coming to look at the place , I think they will buy it.
It leaves me remembering the the secret  good times I have made here for myself.  Deviating from all I knew of myself  prior to  moving to the heart of darkness.

It is like a  part of me that lived with a vengeance  to be good turned in  on it's  self for survival of my soul.

How do I reconcile that?

The painting, the window, just to make it real in some sense.

Waiting for it all to be exposed.

What is real?

I took a run down historical lodge, known for crime, prostitution,  murder,  fighting all odds, and made it something good.

I found out  that our first governor's brother run prostitutes through here. So much history  and intriguing information  buried here.

My little story of love, betrayals, and survival is a drop in the  bucket.

Having some health issues

High blood pressure  sent me to the emergency room  last week. I am fine , but still trying to get  it under control.

The worst of it was tge panic attacks.  I am not afraid of  anything so it took me by surprise.  Pretty  frightening too.

Not feeling well would explain a lot of things. Like not writing  more,  not fucking near enough,  and just plain not enjoying  life.

I like hearing from you all and reading other blogs.

For now, I just want to get better.

Miss you all.