Made it through another one

The festival  was great, and interesting. 
Someone who wanted an affair with  me last year came up with  6 other friends. He had a new lady with him.
Apparently  he is getting a divorce and couldn't be happier.

We had a chance to  talk and agree that both our situations are empty and devoid  of love and passion.  Having insane  partners wares  you down a bit.
But for this peticular person, I couldn't  be that fix, bandage.
I like and respect him.
His new lady is very nice and perfect for him.
I couldn't  believe that I already know  her through business associates.

My head hurts

I hired some  people  to work for the summer. 

I have been cleaning,  and cleaning up  after them since they got here.

So I get the news yesterday  that neither  one of them can cook.....

They were hired to cook.

Apparently  cleaning  is out too.

Fuck me!!!!!

Big weekend

The music  festival  is this weekend. It's a  lot of work but so worth it for the happiness it brings to people.
This year I had some shirts embroidered for the main staff.

Life is getting  back to normal and I even felt frisky  today.

I have staff this year so I may need to get pretty  creative if I ever want to get laid.

The delivery guy  comes tomorrow,  but we will have staff, friends, and the husband.

It's  been so long. I miss him.

Feeling much better

Just getting  used to side effects of  blood  pressure  meds. Feeling  much love and support  from bloggers and friends here online. 
Was thinking  my life was pretty much  over.

Some people are  coming to look at the place , I think they will buy it.
It leaves me remembering the the secret  good times I have made here for myself.  Deviating from all I knew of myself  prior to  moving to the heart of darkness.

It is like a  part of me that lived with a vengeance  to be good turned in  on it's  self for survival of my soul.

How do I reconcile that?

The painting, the window, just to make it real in some sense.

Waiting for it all to be exposed.

What is real?

I took a run down historical lodge, known for crime, prostitution,  murder,  fighting all odds, and made it something good.

I found out  that our first governor's brother run prostitutes through here. So much history  and intriguing information  buried here.

My little story of love, betrayals, and survival is a drop in the  bucket.

Having some health issues

High blood pressure  sent me to the emergency room  last week. I am fine , but still trying to get  it under control.

The worst of it was tge panic attacks.  I am not afraid of  anything so it took me by surprise.  Pretty  frightening too.

Not feeling well would explain a lot of things. Like not writing  more,  not fucking near enough,  and just plain not enjoying  life.

I like hearing from you all and reading other blogs.

For now, I just want to get better.

Miss you all.

Just another day in hell

It leaves tomorrow .
Last night he said I souls find a place and move out......um I own this place. Wth. Can he be thwt stupid? 

I have been turning things around a bit. Like at dinner when in front of guests he stated there was nothing  on his plate  that tasted good.

I simply  replied mine was pretty good, so sorry yours sucks

Ever feel just empty

I sometimes  get a glimpse of who I am. So busy doing so much. I loose me.
I just want to be accepted,  loved, just having a hard time.  The place might sale and I will leave what ever this place was to me behind. 

I will leave him. The one who just drives by. Occasionally  stops for a five minute  fuck and I don't  see him for months.

All the things I made happen  here despite the  sadness.