Having one of those I don't want to do this days

Have a huge event this weekend just the  set up is overwhelming.  No staff. 

I flew my daughter  up from Florida to help.

Just a side note, she's  Transgender.

Not any big deal really.  I took her to a society function  last night. I was obligated  to help as I am on the board.  We left early because of the  drive and so much to do before  friday.

As I was driving  in anchorage  I saw a delivery  truck like his, sure enough  he was there dropping off.

It's  scary  how my heart feels him there in a big city.

He might stop tomorrow.  I hope not. I just feel weird.

Missing him

Not much I can do. My schedule is so full for the next 2-3weeks.

Still no staff. I feel not so much overwhelmed,  but missing me. My time, to paint, to meditate,  just regroup.

Wish me luck.

You had a peaceful look, and smile

As you planted  the flowers  in the garden."

The said" I rarely get to see you in  that place."

I felt a ping  of guilt.  I was working in the  place designed as his garden.

The forget  me nots are a feature there. The sent is supposed to  heal a soul of grief and loss.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myosotis

Looking for a lodge staff

I can't  do this by myself  anymore. 
I need to sleep, and play more. The problem is  finding the  right  person.  One that works hard, takes direction,  and is either non observant,  or very discreet. 

Also something the truck  driver  would have no interest in.  I would be insulted.
But, the truth is and always  has been he has others.

I need an other. Something  more , before I  forget  what that even is.

It feels like......

The house had a cold dark feeling. Didn't last very long. The night before I couldn't sleep. I called out his name and whispered I love you I love you I love you. It was a feeling I had never felt before. A desperate longing to hold him close. Today is Thursday he was scheduled to make delivery today. He never came. I looked at that post on his Facebook page to find out that his father had passed away. I texted him and told him I'm sorry I was that this had happened. And that my thoughts and prayers are with his family. Immediately texted back that he missed me and was looking forward to seeing me today. He will be flying out of state tomorrow morning. But I will text or call sometime this week. It all feels so different. It feels so real. The last time I had seen him he told me how much felt like he belonged in me. I agree he does belong in me. We touched without holding back. It was good and warm and loving. It's like we live in a different dimension. Most relationships have birthdays they have family have Mother's Day and anniversaries. We have moments. I plant him gardens. I have stained glass windows with flowers I have stained glass windows with flowers putting  them just for him . I painted his portrait. It's not the same things that other people get to have. Those are just things. A frame around it supposed to be a life. We have spirit. Something that is beyond this world.

The husband is home

He is like a different person. Like the husband that I never ever had in this relationship. But I still have this feeling that I don't like you very much. I try not to start anything and is sit back and have conversations like I did when I was kind of like holding back of the from the inside so he wouldn't react to them. It's just kind of the opposite but the same. Meanwhile the delivery guy is wonderful I haven't seen him in 2 weeks and I miss each other just like we touched it away it was deep and close in a way that we never did.

And there his portrait hangs for all to see.