"It's been a while "

That was the last thing he said. We have not had any contact at all in 5 weeks. It's been a very lonely winter. And now it's the holidays. Lots of posts in baking cookies with his wife on Facebook. A family that loves him. I'm not jealous and I realize that the only relationship that we have is that he delivers here and occasionally we had sex. I'm just ready for something that I've had in the past. Where I talk to the person a lot or they text me or email me. And they come up and we sure the fireplace and it's casual and warm and we still have contact even though we're not seeing each other that way anymore. It's like I took a step aside from having complex relationships to having something that is totally outside of who I am as a person and what I want. But yet it's a dark look into What's missing and the Darkness of my situation where I live and who I married to. And there he was. Maybe his life is it somehow as dark as mine and we match it away. It's like I can't walk away. Even he said it you're the only one that does it for me. I don't understand. You're not the kind of person that I want but yet you're the only one. Maybe by just saying all of these things out loud to someone. I'm a block is the only place that I can say anything. You're all my friends in this secret world that I live in.